Intellectual Vomit of a Technophobic

1. They are weird and geeky.
2. They have horrible fashion sense.
3. They like facial hair.
4. They are lazy.
5. They are impatient.
6. They commit hubris. For example, they create trees.
7. They curse. A lot.
8. Then they go deeper. They recurse.
9. When you ask them to call you, they’ll ask if you want it to be by-value or by-reference.
10. They hate repetitions. Routines for them aren’t chores, but something they invoke. That is, they have somebody (read: you) do their chores.
11. They like arguments.
12. Java to them is the programming language, not the island in Indonesia, or the coffee grown there.
13. Pe(a)rl and ruby to them are programming languages, not gemstones.
14. If you ask for small talk, they will think you are asking them to teach you programming.
15. Love for them is just a function.
16. They treat you as an object.
17. They do not converse well. They communicate by passing messages.
18. They write to you in 1’s and 0’s.
19. If you want to go to some place for a date, they’ll hesitate because “it’s bad practice”.
20. They don’t like pasta.
21. They always point out flaws whenever computers are shown in movies.
22. They spend all their time on the computer.
23. You can’t bug them. They would rather stare at their debug logs, than look at you.
24. They give you instructions.
25. They sometimes command people to make them sandwiches.
26. For them, unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck are OS commands.
27. They model relationships with diagrams.
28. They always look for problems.
29. They solve relationship problems with flowcharts.
30. They fantasize. About Big-O.
31. If you ask them if you look fat, they’ll give you a blank stare because all they could think of is the old file system developed by Microsoft.
32. Whenever you ask for something as a gift, they’ll tell you “you ain’t gonna need it”.
33. They don’t heed warnings because they only worry about errors.
34. They think they can achieve world domination with their programs.
35. Their friends are mostly programmers or IT people.
36. They discuss about IDEs, and programming fonts with their friends.
37. They always crack programming jokes and spout computer jargons.
38. They fervently debate about esoteric computer topics.
39. Their expressions are not regular.
40. They correct your usage of “and”, “or”, “nor”.
41. They scrutinize the logic of your actions.
42. They think in terms of algorithms.
43. They relate real-life entities with data structures like queues, bags, maps, dictionaries, and of course, trees.
44. They unnecessarily complicate trivial things. Like, when they give change.
45. They are always very careful when dining with other people around a table.
46. They prefer that you are explicit with your thoughts and actions.
47. They think programming is like sex.
48. They always want it simple, especially when kissing.
49. They sometimes do it quick-and-dirty.
50. They orgasm every time they make their programs run faster.

(Inspired by this and this.)

Some cheesy programming pickup lines I gathered from the web:

“Are you an exception? Let me catch you.”

“Can you be my private variable? I want to be the only one with access to you.”

“Are you an applet? You make me feel all GUI (gooey) inside.”

And a Filipino one:

“Di na tayo kailangang i-cast pa; magkatype na tayo, e…”